


To Find Solid Ground

by comebacknow



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: ((((:, Canon Compliant, M/M, PTSD, Triggers, and then i hurt buck, but just a heads up, i yell at fox to stop hurting buck, if that makes sense, it's not on purpose, slight incident of self harm, some unreliable narration mayhaps, takes place after the tsunami, too many water metaphors
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-16
Updated: 2019-10-16
Packaged: 2020-12-20 19:09:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21061712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/comebacknow/pseuds/comebacknow
Summary: Time heals. At least that's what they say. So that's what Buck repeats to himself.





	To Find Solid Ground

—

It’s another Monday, which Buck has come to accept as his Christopher day, so when his alarm goes off at seven o’clock, he finds himself smiling against his pillow. (It’s a nice reprieve from his usual routine Tuesday through Sunday, which usually begins with him cursing his phone, turning off his alarm, and sinking further beneath blankets that double as dark waves in his dreams. Tuesday through Sunday, he drowns in those dreams.)

The mornings are dark now, cooler. Fall has snuck in and it’s grown quiet outside, even with morning rush hour. The sounds of cars rolling past on damp streets drip in through his open kitchen window. He braces his hands against the paint-peeled wood, considers the idea of closing it, but something about the small chilled breezes washing around him in waves feels like a masochistic sort of comfort.

Buck knows that sometimes it’s healthy to press down on the bruise.

He leaves the window open.

An hour later, he hears keys through the window and squints in the direction of the streaming sunlight that spills into the room. Right on time.

He wipes his hands carelessly against his hips and opens the door before the key is even in the lock. He leans an arm in the door jamb and smiles down at Christopher. “Morning, bud.”

“Good morning, Buck,” he smiles.

“Is Bobby here?” Eddie asks suddenly.

Buck lifts his gaze to see Eddie craning his neck to look a bit around him. “No,” Buck laughs out finally. He crouches and lifts Christopher up against him. “Made breakfast for this guy!” He takes a few steps inside and gently lets Christopher down on a barstool at the kitchen island.

Christopher’s eyes light up at the array of pancakes and bacon.

Yes, Mondays are the good days.

Buck turns to Eddie, but before he can speak, his gaze catches on the way Eddie seems almost confused at the scene before him. “Um,” Buck gestures to him. “You too, if you want. There’s plenty.”

Eddie finally looks up at him again and blinks. “No, no, I’ve gotta get moving.”

Buck rolls his eyes and grips Eddie’s arm to tug him inside. “No saving the world on an empty stomach. Sit down.”

Eddie stumbles into the kitchen with only a glance back at Buck as he closes the door. But then he’s smiling and he’s back to the Eddie that Buck is used to. “Not sure if I trust your cooking.”

Buck glances at Christopher almost to remind himself he’s present and it’s not appropriate to flip his father off in front of him. “Bobby taught me a few things,” Buck shrugs.

Eddie puts a plate of pancakes and bacon in front of Christopher and then helps himself to a strip of bacon. There’s some thoughtful chewing before he looks at Buck again. He gestures at him with the half strip of bacon that remains. “You sure you didn’t sneak him over here early?”

Buck bites down on his tongue and just gives him a look he hopes clearly conveys _“get fucked.”_

Eddie catches on and laughs. “Carla? Maddie? At least I know it wasn’t Chimney.”

Buck laughs and finally steps forward again. “Alright, enough berating. Christopher? Opinions?”

“It’s delicious,” he smiles over a syrupy mouthful.

Buck looks back up at Eddie. “See? He believes in me.”

Eddie narrows his eyes slightly and tilts his head as he starts walking to the door. He pauses next to Buck and leans in just a bit to whisper, “he believes in Santa and the Easter Bunny, too. Think you can invite them over next week?”

“Funny,” Buck murmurs back.

Eddie laughs and claps a hand on his shoulder. “I’ll be back around eight.” He turns back, presses a kiss to Christopher’s wild curls, and is gone before Buck blinks.

Breakfast is mostly laughter, extra pancakes, and sticky syrup. And then Christopher is off to find cartoons in the living room and Buck cleans up the kitchen. It’s relatively easy, given Buck’s recent switch to paper plates, plastic utensils and plastic cups. He offers Christopher some wet wipes to clean his hands and those, too, are easily tossed in the garbage.

But there’s something different about this Monday morning. There’s something different about Buck having decided to cook breakfast, and now he’s left staring at a dirty pan and spatula. 

It’s stupid. He knows it is. Still, his heart taps out a quick reminder that he can’t just leave them dirty.

His cabinets are louder than he remembers as he opens and closes them, shuffling things around – rolls of tinfoil, seasonings, plastic baggies.

Finally, he finds the box of rubber gloves Maddie left in the cleaning cabinet. He huffs out a frustrated sigh, but can’t bite back on the relief. 

It’s only for the first time, he tells himself.

Ten minutes later, the pan and spatula are finally cleaned and he pulls the gloves off and tosses them to the side. It’s a satisfying accomplishment and he allows himself the simple pleasure of falling back onto the couch next to Christopher to watch cartoons.

\--

Eight o’clock comes sooner rather than later and Buck is moving his Trouble playing piece when he hears a knock on the door.

“Oh no!” Christopher groans.

“Oh no!” Buck laughs back. “I was so close to beating you, too.”

“No, you weren’t.”

“Nah, maybe you’re right,” Buck laughs and pushes himself up from the floor. “Wanna start getting your shoes on, buddy?”

“On it.”

Buck smiles to himself and pulls the door open. “You’re interrupting a very intense game of Trouble.”

Eddie tilts his head. “Yeah, well, if you’re involved I expect there to be trouble whether I interrupt or not, so,” he shrugs.

Buck offers a small laugh and then steps back to let Eddie in.

“Pizza?” Eddie turns to him with a raised brow. “Again?”

“We were gonna do Chinese, but he won Go Fish, so his choice.”

Eddie, to his credit, laughs and just shakes his head. “Alright, kiddo. Did you have fun today?”

“Yeah,” Chris answers, finally able to pull on one of his shoes.

“There’s an extra slice if you’re hungry,” Buck offers.

“Nah, Bobby cooked at the station.”

Something stings at Buck’s lungs, but he forces a soft laugh. “Yeah… yeah, duh.” He drops his gaze down to his floor and folds his arms across his chest. “So, slow day, I take it?”

Eddie shrugs. “Not too much. A call for a loose electric wire and someone cut themselves pretty brutally stepping on a broken plate, but nothing too big.”

Buck nods and the two of them stand in silence as Chris finishes looping shoelaces around each other.

“We, uh,” Eddie starts, eyes still on Christopher. “We got a new addition to the crew. Just temporarily,” he adds quickly, with a glance at Buck.

“A…a new edition?”

“Yeah. The tsunami crashed out their firehouse so they’ve all sorta been scattered throughout other units for now. Since we’re…” he trailed off.

“Down one,” Buck offered tightly.

Eddie glanced at him again and then turned back to Christopher.

“She’s my replacement.”

“No,” Eddie shook his head and continued to watch Christopher without really seeming to see him. “She’s temporary. Just like you being out of there is temporary.”

Buck hears the words, but Eddie’s tone sinks down into him and then it hits. “You don’t believe that.” 

Eddie looks back at Buck then. “What? What do you mean? Of course, I do.”

Buck studies Eddie’s features, the tight eyes, tense shoulders and gauging look as he studies Buck right back, figuring out his next move. “No, you don’t,” Buck says slowly, quietly. 

“Buck, I-“

“Why else would you tell me about the replacement?”

“I thought you’d want to know.”

“Well, I don’t.”

Eddie’s brows twitch upward.

Buck looks at him for a moment longer before he shifts his gaze past him to see Christopher beginning to stand up. He glances once more at Eddie before he brushes past him to the boy. “Alright, buddy,” he says, wrapping an arm around Christopher as he hugs Buck’s legs. “I’ll see you soon, okay?”

“Bye Buck.”

Buck steps back and watches Christopher walk to his dad and then lead them to the door. Eddie only stops once to look back at Buck, but says nothing.

The door closing is the full stop of their conversation and Buck finds that this time, it hurts more than it usually does.

He shakes it off, cleans up the living room, and tidies up the corner of his home that has quickly become Christopher’s space. Board games, decks of cards, markers and crayons, construction paper and more. He tucks it all away in its rightful display. The most recent picture Christopher drew is still in his hand as he walks to the kitchen and sticks it to his fridge and then carefully pours himself a plastic cup of water.

He works to steady himself, prepare himself, and remind himself that he can get through this.

It’s one of the harder parts of his day when he strips down in his bathroom and watches the water pour from his showerhead. His breathing grows heavy and his heart pounds as he swallows back another nightmare.

It’s okay, he reminds himself. There’s always tomorrow.

He grabs a towel, lays it out on the floor below him, and holds a washcloth beneath the water. It’s a slow process, but it works. He wipes himself down with water first, dripping onto the towel below. There’s a second cloth for soap and he scrubs himself clean in the middle of his bathroom as the water runs across from him into the bathtub, runs in swirls in circles down the drain. 

It’s a slow process, but it works.

\--

The week flies by when Buck hardly leaves his house, and before he knows it, another Monday comes and it’s the same routine. 

Pan, paper plates, plastic cups, plastic utensils. Anything easy to throw away. The difference here is that he’s done his research. He lines the pan with tinfoil to avoid dirtying it, and replaces the spatula by using the plastic utensils. Forks are close enough anyway, he reasons.

The pancakes are lopsided, but the relieved feeling of not having to wash dishes afterward takes precedence. He figures he and Christopher can have a good laugh over it.

By eight-fifteen, he’s left fidgeting and pressing the back of his fingers to the bacon to feel how cold it’s gotten. 

By eight-thirty, he’s gotten up and looked out of his window, fingers tapping a quick rhythm on the wood.

By eight-fifty, he’s sitting on a barstool at the counter staring at the door, all care of the food’s temperature gone cold.

By nine-thirty, he’s pulling his jacket on as he walks to the car.

Eddie’s house is quiet. The lights are off and his truck isn’t there when Buck pulls up, but he walks to the door anyway – Eddie’s voicemail message that he’s practically memorized by now running through his head.

_You’ve reached Eddie Diaz. Not here right now. Leave a message and I’ll get back to you. _

It’s only a few minutes of trying to peer in through a dark window when he sees movement from the neighbor’s porch. “Hey! Excuse me!” he jogs over. “Hey!”

“Oh, hello,” the woman greets him from beneath a gardening hat.

“Hi, um, I’m a friend of Eddie’s. And, uh, did you happen to see him leave this morning? With his son?”

“Oh yes! Right around seven-thirty. Lovely boy, that Christopher.”

“Yeah, he’s great,” Buck nods. “Um, did they happen to say where they were going?”

“No,” she frowns. “I didn’t ask. Just a wave.”

“Right,” Buck nods again. “Right, okay. Um, thank you.” 

“Sure,” she nods and then laughs. “Don’t know if I helped much.” She fusses with the hose for her garden for a moment. “Oh, this darn this always gets stuck.”

Buck swallows and takes a small step back. “Um, alright then, well, thank you. I’m gonna head out, I’ve gotta-“

“Do you mind helping me just a minute with this?” she sighed. “The cap rusts on sometimes and I’m just not strong enough for it.”

Buck blinks at the hose in her hand and back up at her. “Um… yeah, yeah of course.”

“Thank you,” she smiles, relieved, and hands it over.

He holds it away from him and works to loosen the nozzle.

“Stuck on there pretty tight, ain’t it?” she laughs. “The actual faucet part is broken so it has to stay on. Only way to keep the darn thing from flooding the place is tightening that nozzle. Eddie usually helps me with it, but I got a late start today.”

Buck nods along to her story, carefully working the nozzle. To her credit, it’s screwed on pretty tight, and Buck finally gives up on his caution and lets himself use his strength to unscrew it.

The water sprays out immediately and he drops it to the ground as he jumps back and nearly trips over the coil of it before he steadies himself.

“Oh!” the woman screams as the water sprays up against her legs, the hose flopping wildly on the grass.

“Um, I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” Buck holds his hands out as he watches her flinch away once more.

“I’ll – I’ll cut the line, hang on!”

“No! No, boy, it’s okay!” she laughs and turns her face away as she finally takes a hold of the hose and twists the nozzle a bit tighter to steady the flow of the water. “It’s only water,” she laughs again. “It won’t kill me.”

Buck attempts a laugh and a smile, apologizes again and then bids her farewell as he turns and walks to his car.

One of his arms is held stiffly at his side until he’s inside of the driver’s seat and pulls napkins from the glove compartment. It’s a flurry of thin, cheap white paper with stamped green ink from whatever fast food restaurant he’d taken them from as he quickly works to wipe his arm down until it’s dry and he’s left panting in the seat, balled napkins around him and heart pounding in his ears.

When he looks into the rearview mirror, the neighbor is already inside and the hose is safely twisted off and in its holster.

The dashboard reads ten forty-five when he finally pulls away from the curb.

The firehouse doesn’t look any different than it did before he’d left, but it’s still an odd feeling walking in there with no intention to strap on a uniform. His gaze bounces off of red and silver to the locker room and then back.

“Buck!” Chimney’s voice echoes over to him. “Hey, what’s up!”

“Hey,” Buck nods to him.

“How’ve you been?”

“Good. You seen Eddie?”

Chim raises a brow and eyes him for a moment before he responds. “Yeah, he’s around he somewhere. I’m also doing good, too, y’know. Thanks for checking in.”

Buck is already nodding and brushing past Chimney toward the small gym area where he spots Eddie rolling his neck and shoulders to loosen his muscles. “Eddie!”

Eddie turns and finds Buck, confusion on his face.

“Hey, what, uh, what happened today?”

“What do you mean?”

Buck furrows his brow and a small laugh breaks out of him. “What do you mean ‘what do I mean’? It’s Monday.”

Eddie only flicks his gaze between Buck’s eyes, still confused.

“Christopher?” Buck asks as a reminder.

Eddie nods slowly. “Is in school.”

Buck blinks. “School?”

“Yeah,” Eddie laughs. “You know the place you go to get an education? Though, come to think of it maybe you skipped those years.”

There’s another laugh that joins him then and Buck turns his head to chase it.

Someone he doesn’t recognize sits at one of the machines, resting her elbows on her knees watching their exchange.

“Can I help you?” Buck asks her.

“Buck,” Eddie laughs and puts a hand to his chest. “This is Lena.”

“’sup?” she asks.

Buck eyes her for another moment before he turns back to Eddie. “I… didn’t realize he started school today.”

“Yeah, man. I told you that last week. Are you sure you’re alright?” he asks, stepping back and looking him up and down.

“Yeah, I’m fine, I just… I just forgot.”

“Alright, well,” Eddie reaches out and pulls something off from Buck’s arm and then another something, “take the day off, yeah? Go to the movies or something, you look stressed.” He flicks away the bits of napkin from his fingers and then claps Buck on the shoulder before he turns back to his weights.

Buck looks down at the torn napkin pieces and up to his arm. “Yeah. Alright.”

By the time two-forty-five rolls around, Buck feels refreshed. He jogs across the sidewalk and slows to a walk as he weaves through kids with backpacks spilling out of the double doors.

A woman with long brown hair catches his eye as he walks into the school and smiles widely up at him. “Hey Buck!”

“Hey, Miss Casey! How’s Charlie?”

“He’s good! A bit out of it since he had a vet appointment this morning for some routine shots, but he’s doing alright.”

“Aw, well give him an extra pet for me, alright?”

“You got it, Buck. Nice seeing you again!”

“You too!” he nods and nearly skips his way over to the security desk. “Hey, Marcus.”

“Buck! How’s it going.”

“Good, good,” he smiles. “How was your summer?”

“It was good! Nice vacation with the family in Aruba. Wish I was still there now.”

“I bet, I bet,” Buck laughs. “Um, I’m here to pick up Christopher, so can you give me once of those fancy visitor badges so I can go see him?”

Marcus’ smile falters just slightly. “Uh, I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

“What do you mean? Sure you can. I just have to sign one of the forms, right? Did the policy change?”

“Not exactly.”

Buck takes a minute to process. “Then why can’t you give me a pass? Do you need ID? I mean, you know me, Marcus.”

“Buck,” Marcus starts, a grimace to his face, “I can’t let you take Christopher.”

“Did…did something happen to him?”

“You’re no longer listed on the approved pick-up list.”

Buck blinks at him. “Uh… what?”

“I’m sorry, Buck. You were taken off before the start of the year.”

“By who?”

“I’m afraid I can’t give you that information.”

Buck blinks, trying to keep focused, but his head is swelling with echoes of Marcus’ words all crashing down in waves.

He doesn’t know when he stumbles to his car, or how long it takes to drive home. He doesn’t know what time it was when he sat down on the edge of his bed, nor how long he’d sat there before his body gave into exhaustion and drifted backwards, but soon, it’s Tuesday, and Buck doesn’t remember a time when Tuesday felt like a relief.

\--

His stomach drops when he wakes up and sees two missed calls from Eddie from eight o’clock the previous night.

He immediately calls back, but it’s gone straight to voicemail. 

The date and time on his phone inform him it’s another school day and time, so he drops his phone back on the bed and crashes back down on his pillow.

\--

It’s nearly a week later when he calls Eddie’s phone and gets an answer.

“Buck?” Christopher’s voice comes through soft and eager.

“Hey buddy!” Buck laughs and nearly chokes out a sob. His chest folds at Christopher’s voice against his ear.

“Hi!”

“Hi,” he smiles. “How’s my favorite superstar?”

“I’m good. How are you?”

“Good! How’s school been?”

“It’s good. We’re learning about planets.”

“Planets?” Buck smiles and drops his head back against the couch. “Yeah? What’s your favorite one?”

“Umm,” Chris seems to ponder this for a moment and Buck has to press his fingers to his eyes as he imagines his face, “Saturn.”

“Saturn? Why’s that?”

“Because it has glasses like me.”

“Glasses?”

“Yeah.”

Buck smiles and drops his hand. “You know what? Saturn is my favorite, too.”

Suddenly a voice appears a bit distantly from the other end of the line. “Alright Chris, say goodbye. Dinner’s ready.”

“Okay. Buck, I gotta go.”

Buck’s lungs have tightened, but he focuses on Chris’ voice instead. “Okay, yeah. Yeah, buddy. Go ahead. Uh, tell… tell your…” he swallows. “I’ll talk to you soon, Chris.”

“Bye, Buck.”

The line falls dead before Buck can take in enough breath to utter a half-hearted “goodbye.”

\--

Buck stares at Bobby across the table from him as he explains what the first week of light duty will entail for him.

He sees his mouth move, he hears words drip out, he notices Athena enthusiastically encouraging him, but it doesn’t’ settle the anxiety that has built in his chest since he stepped foot into the house. 

Hearing the words “I said yes,” fall from his own mouth were as strange as hearing the original “yes,” he’d said into the phone only twelve hours ago, and all of his agreements are starting to pile up and build a wall inside of him that forces his lungs to shrink to make room.

He wonders if he’ll be able to get his breath back, or if he’ll have to adapt to this discomfort the same way he’s had to adapt his life around a new plan.

He wonders if he’ll get to see Christopher this week.

He wonders when he can politely excuse himself from dinner, but pushes the thought aside as he focuses on Athena pouring a glass of water, droplets splashing onto the white table cloth. She tells him dinner will be ready in ten minutes.

\--

He’s on his third building inspection of the week when his phone vibrates in his pocket and he pulls it free as he squints up at the rusted hinge of an emergency exit. He glances down to see Eddie’s name and swipes it right away to answer. “Hello?”

“Buck,” Eddie says by way of greeting. “Need a favor.”

It takes Buck a minute to let his lungs settle themselves against the brick wall inside of him and take in the extra bit of air he finds he needs. He leans his hand on the wall ahead of him and blinks against a voice he hasn’t heard in a month. He finally asks: “What is it?”

“I’m strapped. I hate to do this, man.”

“Eddie, what?”

“Any chance you can watch Christopher tonight?”

“Uh, tonight?” Buck nearly chokes out.

“I’m sorry. I know it’s last minute-”

“No – no, yeah. Yeah I can watch him. Of course.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. Of course.”

“Alright. He’s gonna be around you by about six o’clock. Does that work?”

“Yeah,” Buck nods. “Yeah, of course. See you then.”

There’s a hesitant sort of silence between them before the line falls dead. Buck doesn’t think much on that. He’s seeing Christopher tonight. He’s seeing Eddie.

His head tilts as he watches the red Mazda RX pull up swiftly at his curb.

Words don’t really come to him with meaning; they seem to flow out of him of their own accord as he smiles at Lena, tells her he doesn’t mind watching Christopher and he understands emergencies at work happen.

Christopher only smiles up at him.

The only words he truly understands are: “I missed you, Buck. Where have you been?”

The salt of a teardrop sends him rubbing at his face quickly to get it off as he just smiles and responds. “Yeah, missed you too, buddy.”

\--

It’s a bowl of candy left on his porch with the light on before he’s walking into Maddie’s apartment for her Horror Night marathon. He mostly stays in the kitchen, popcorn bag after popcorn bag and after a while the humming sound from the microwave is a comfort. He thinks maybe they could use an extra bag.

“Whoa, Buck! Buck! Buck!” Chimney is suddenly skirting around the counter and stopping the microwave.

Buck blinks back to him.

Chimney looks at him and then to the six bowls of popcorn on the counter and back at him. “Are we feeding a firehouse?”

Buck frowns at the popcorn. “It… oh.”

“You alright, Buckaroo?”

“Yeah,” he cricks his neck and rolls his shoulder and looks back at Chimney. “Yeah, I just know you like to hog all the popcorn so I figured I’d at least make enough for me and Maddie to enioy, too.”

Chimney lets out a confused laugh, but then seems to go along with it. 

They leave the seventh packet in the microwave before they join Maddie in the living room for the beginning of _Friday the 13th_.

It’s only when Maddie and Chimney start arguing over how Jason Vorhees originally died that Buck starts to fade again. There’s rushing inside of his veins and he works to quietly pull in air through stilted breaths. It’s shallow, but it does the job, and soon he’s able to loosen his grip on the arm of the sofa, knuckles aching as he tries to relax his hands.

He blinks his way back and shakes his head when Chimney offers him a beer.

“Water, then?”

“I’m good,” Buck assures him, eyes trained on the screen ahead of him.

The doorbell rings and jumpstarts his heart enough for his body to jolt forward.

“Evan!” Maddie laughs as a bowl of popcorn tumbles forward from his lap and spills across the floor.

“Shit. I’m sorry, Mads.”

“It’s okay,” she says, still laughing. “I remember my first time watching a scary movie. I’ll grab the broom. Can you get the door? It’s probably a trick-or-treater. Candy is in the bowl on the side table there.”

Buck follows to where she points and nods. He grabs the candy bowl and pulls the door open. A pirate, a unicorn, a Supergirl and fresh air all greet him happily. He lets them take their choice of candy (and an extra one – he promises not to tell anyone) and waves them off. 

The second round of trick-or-treaters presents him with a six-year-old firefighter, who he winks at and gives the king-sized snickers bar to.

The third round of trick-or-treaters has a princess and a ninja turtle smiling up at him.

The fourth trick-or-treater is a small Batman and a taller Clark Kent who meets his gaze from behind thick-rimmed black glasses.

“Trick or treat!” Christopher calls up at him.

Buck blinks at Eddie a few times before tearing his gaze back down to Christopher. He works to pull the threads of himself together that have just fallen undone and he holds them tight as he takes and breath and forces a smile. “Whoa! Batman? I didn’t think I’d get to see you today!”

“It’s me,” Christopher laughs.

“Yeah! Batman, right?”

“It’s Christopher!”

“What? No way.” Buck shakes his head. “I don’t believe you.”

“Hey, Eddie!” Maddie calls out from the kitchen. “Come on in!”

Buck keeps his gaze on Christopher as Eddie steps around the two of them and brushes past into the kitchen.

“Do you like my costume?” Christopher smiles.

“Yeah,” Buck forces out. “Yeah, it’s… it’s great. I didn’t even recognize you. Come on, let’s get you inside.”

“Buck.”

“Yeah?”

“You didn’t give me any candy yet.”

“Oh,” he exhales a laugh and grabs the bowl. He spills them out and lets a good amount of them waterfall into Chris’ bucket before he puts it back on the counter. He gives Christopher a wink. “Don’t tell your dad.”

The next hour or so consists of some animated Halloween films, agreeing to a beer after all, and Christopher curled up next to Buck on the couch while Maddie floats between them and the kitchen where Eddie and Chimney discuss the latest work incidents over one of the extra bowls of popcorn.

Buck’s gaze shifts towards them, but never stays more than a breath or two.

Dinner is a mix of Chinese food, burgers and a pizza – which everyone snacks on. Christopher latches himself to Buck’s side, laughing as pizza cheese stretches to infinity and they try to see who can get the longest string of it.

But it’s after the second movie, after Christopher has finished explaining the entire plot of Transylvania to Buck so he would understand the sequel, that Eddie comes into the room. “Hey buddy. Think I can borrow your sidekick for a few minutes?”

Buck looks up at Eddie as Christopher sits up from where he’s been lying sprawled across his lap.

“Just a few minutes, alright?” Eddie smiles down at Christopher. His gaze shifts to find Buck’s and he nods toward the door.

His heart beat causes a ripple effect that extends in circles out through his body as he follows him out of the front door and over to the small bench. “What’s going on, Eddie?”

Eddie folds his hands between his knees and looks out across the front yard of Maddie’s house. His jaw works over a few words before he finally takes a breath and begins. “He hasn’t left your side all night.”

Buck furrows his brow and studies Eddie’s face to try a gauge what way this conversation is going. 

“I, uh…” Eddie trails off and then laughs a bit to himself. “I think I made a bit of a mistake with him.”

Buck tries to process the words before he finally asks, “what do you mean?”

Eddie drops his head and looks down at his hands for a moment. “He hasn’t been doing so great over the past two months.”

“Not… not so great? What?” Buck turns himself to face Eddie more. “What do you mean ‘not so great’? I need more than that, Eddie. Is he sick? Is he-”

“No, no. Not sick.” Eddie takes a breath and looks back out across the garden. “Just… hasn’t been sleeping quite so well.”

Buck swallows and tries to keep himself from asking too many questions. His curiosity over Chirstopher’s well-being wars inside of him with his realization that he hasn’t had a real conversation with Eddie in about two months either.

“I thought…” Eddie clears his throat and shifts in his seat a bit. “I thought, y’know, everything that happened at the pier. Nightmares and all that.”

Buck nods slowly.

“He hasn’t really been great in the shower, it’s tough to convince him to wash his hands. He doesn’t like wearing blankets anymore but, I mean, it’s cold, y’know? So, I’ve gotta crank the heat up in the house so he won’t freeze to death. Leaving the light on is no problem, but it blew in the middle of the night last night and I mean – I didn’t even – I didn’t even realize he’d still been awake. I mean it was almost four o’clock in the morning. His teacher called me in the middle of class the other day because he froze up during one of their lessons. Lena said he spilled a glass of water at her house the other day and wouldn’t let her dry him off at all, but when I try to talk to him he won’t talk to me and-”

It’s not until Buck is already holding Eddie against him that he realizes Eddie’s started crying. His tears soak through Buck’s shirt and against his skin and it’s damp and warm and his fingers curl into fists against the white button-down.

“I’m sorry,” Eddie chokes against him.

Buck brings his focus back to Eddie’s voice and pushes him up from him to look at him directly.

“Fuck,” Eddie exhales and pulls the fake glasses off to wipe at his eyes. “Shit, I swear I didn’t bring you out here to spill all that onto you,” he laughs.

“It’s okay.”

Eddie takes a deep breath and exhales again. “I just… Tonight was the first time I’ve seen him comfortable. It’s the first time I watched him laugh openly and relaxed and making jokes. I’d even debated bringing him over here, but Tia Rosa said taking him out of the house would be best, so…”

Buck scratches idly at the damp spot on his shirt, presses his nails into it to try to claw the wetness from his skin.

“Listen,” Eddie exhales. “I need to… I want to apologize to you.”

“It’s okay, Eddie,” Buck shakes his head. “It’s been bottled up, you don’t need to apologize-”

“Not for that.”

Buck twitches his brow in confusion.

Eddie looks up at him and chews his lip before he speaks. “I… I kept him from you, Buck.”

Buck blinks a few times as he registers the words.

“I kept him from you because I thought it was best for him.”

“What?”

“I…” Eddie shakes his head and exhales. “I thought him being around you would just keep reminding him of everything that happened.”

Buck swallows and it feels like knives carve scars down his throat. He tears his gaze away and stares down at the ground ahead of him. 

“So I… I took you off his approved pick-up list. I let him call you but even after one or two phone calls, I thought it was best to cut that off, too. I… Buck, I need you to know it wasn’t because I was mad at you.”

The pressure inside of Buck continues to push against the wall inside of him and his lungs constrict.

“Buck, it wasn’t you, okay?”

Something wraps around his wrist but all he can think about is wood chips cutting into his skin beneath water.

“Buck. Buck, Jesus, stop!”

He snaps back to Eddie as Eddie yanks his arm down and suddenly Eddie is staring at him, concern taking over guilt. 

“What are you doing?” he asks, gaze flicking back and forth between Buck’s eyes.

“What?”

Eddie pulls the buttons loose on his shirt and pulls it off. “Did this just happen now or did you have cuts here already?”

Buck tilts his head, and then there is a sudden pressure against his shoulder and he flinches back. 

Eddie presses his balled up button-down against him and then takes it away to reveal red splotches on it. He grabs Buck’s hand and Buck follows his gaze down to his fingernails, dried blood settled beneath them.

He turns to look at his shoulder to find several scratches torn into his skin beneath the stretched-out neckline of his t-shirt.

“Buck, look at me.” Eddie scans his face, crouched in front of him now and looking up at him. “Can you hear me?”

“Yeah,” Buck nods, but Eddie sounds muffled, like he’s on the other side of some surface Buck can’t break through.

“Alright. I’m gonna get you some water. Hang on. Stay right here, okay? Keep your hands here.”

Buck lets Eddie curl his fingers around the seat of the bench and then he watches him disappear into the house.

When Eddie eventually comes back outside, Buck finds he’s able to breathe a bit clearer again. His shoulder burns, but his vision no longer swims in front of him.

“Here, drink this.”

Buck reaches out and forces his hand to grasp the glass, but Eddie holds firm.

“Here,” Eddie offers softly. He pulls the glass gently back from Buck’s hand and tips it slowly into Buck’s mouth.

When half of the water is gone, Eddie puts the glass down on the ground and looks back up at Buck. “Hey. You with me now?”

Buck takes as much air in as he can and then exhales. “Yeah, I’m here.”

Eddie sighs, almost in relief, and drops his head. 

“I’m sorry,” Buck finally says.

“What?” Eddie snaps his head up.

“I didn’t mean to… you were trying to tell me something.”

“Buck, whoa, whoa, no.” Eddie grabs both of his shoulders and angles him to look directly at him. “Hey. Do not apologize. Do you hear me?”

“Eddie-”

“No. You don’t have to feel guilty for your trauma, Buck. I didn’t go through it, and I can’t imagine what it was like, but I know it was enough to affect you worse than maybe anything else you’ve gone through. I know it because I see how it affects Christopher. And…” Eddie trails off as something odd washes over his features. “And maybe I can’t help either of you.” He shakes his head. “But you can help each other.”

Buck watches him for another minute before he speaks. “You want… you’re okay with Christopher being around me?”

“Buck, I told you before that there’s no one I trust more with him than you. I meant it, even if maybe it seemed like I stepped back on my word. Sometimes we all make bad choices, right?”

“Like taking your son to the pier?” Buck laughs.

Eddie gives him a small smile. “No. Like keeping the only two people that can help each other apart for two months and making them deal with it alone.”

Buck feels something bend a bit inside of him. And then it begins to splinter.

“Christopher might be all I have, but right now – I’m not enough for him on my own. He needs you, Buck. And I’m pretty sure you need him just as much.” Eddie shifts his gaze to Buck’s shoulder again and then back at him. 

Buck nods once, then twice, and then he’s agreeing. “Okay.”

“Okay?” Eddie smiles up at him.

“Yeah.”

“Are you okay? You’re definitely back here with me now?”

Buck offers a small smile and nods. “A bit embarrassed but yeah, I’m here.”

Eddie lets out a gentle laugh and then pulls Buck against him. “Yeah. I’m here, too.”

“Hey, Eddie,” Buck says as he pushes back from him.

Eddie tilts his brows up in question.

“Listen,” Buck takes a breath and pulls in air between the cracks and splinters of the wall inside of him. “Christopher…isn’t all you have right now.”

Eddie’s gaze flicks back and forth between his eyes, but he doesn’t say anything.

“I just… I just mean that…” Buck exhales. “You have me too, Eddie. You always have me.” He shrugs slowly and then drops his shoulders. “You always did.”

Eddie seems to take in the words first, work them over in his head before he finally tightens his grip on Buck’s arm. “You always have me too, Buck.”

The wall inside of Buck’s chest bends and splinters a bit more. And maybe it doesn’t break fully just yet, but he thinks that there’s a chance that maybe he’s found something that can help him fight his way through it. Maybe he’s found someone who can help him. “Guess the costume’s pretty fitting, huh?” Buck laughs.

Eddie’s eyebrows twitch in confusion before he looks down at the Superman shirt. He laughs softly and looks up at Buck. “I’ve been known to be a hero once or twice.”

“So what does that make me?”

Eddie snorts and stands up. “You could be Jimmy Olsen if you want.”

“But Jimmy doesn’t have any powers,” Buck argues as he stands and follows Eddie to the door.

“You’re right,” Eddie throws a laugh over his shoulder. 

“I need some sort of power.”

“Buck, pretty sure you’re nothing less than kryptonite to me,” Eddie smirks at him before he shoulders the door open.

Buck pauses just outside the door. “Krypto…wait. Wait, is that a good thing or a bad thing? Cuz like, I’ve heard metaphors used both ways.”

Eddie only shrugs. “Guess we’ll find out, won’t we?” He turns and leads the way into the house, jogging up to Christopher and stealing one of his French fries from the plate in front of him.

Buck feels his mouth quirk up as he watches Christopher laugh and block Eddie from stealing another fry, and he thinks that maybe Eddie was right. Maybe they all needed each other a little bit, and maybe they all needed a bit of a disaster to break down and splinter the walls inside of them. And it wouldn’t be overnight, and it wouldn’t be over a month, but that was fine. He, Eddie and Christopher would have each other always.

Time heals. At least that’s what they say. So that’s what Buck repeats to himself.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much for checking this out!! I shoved as many water metaphors in here as I could because I have no control (: 
> 
> Hopefully there weren't too many errors.
> 
> Come talk to me about 9-1-1!
> 
> Tumblr: comebacknow  
Twitter: @buckleystrand / @WritingBia
> 
> Remember: Buck always deserves better.


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